Doesn't Hurt to Ask by Trey Gowdy (book summary)
How you can connect with and pursue people using questions.
in two words,
tells us about the skill of persuasion and teaches how we can make the skill of persuasion ourselves the best by using the right questions. With Author's help, we'll learn how to use the right questions to reach our audience, communicate our message, and win over people.
Who is this book for?
- This book is for those parents who want to win an argument with their children
- This book is for those people who are involved in politics.
- This book is also for those people who want to improve their Negotiation Skills.
About the Author
Trey Gowdy is a former federal prosecutor and district attorney in South Carolina. He was elected by Congress in 2010 where he had to head a House Committee. With his friend Tim Scott, he has authored New York's best-selling book How our unlikely friendship gives us hope for a divided country.
Chapter 1:
Persuasion is an art and the questions asked are its biggest tools.
When you want to convince someone, you present facts and arguments that relate to your belief. But for this, the author tries to tell you a better approach. The author has developed better skills for persuasion in his career and that is to ask questions. Right questions don't just help you in court but you can use them to get better at persuasion skills. By learning how to lead people in your direction, you can further improve your Argumentation skills. In this summary, you will learn how you can convince someone by asking questions.
In this summary, you will learn why stupid questions are better than stupid answers. How can you turn a bad argument into a good speech? And after all, why sometimes do we have to kill even the dead horse? So let's get started! Are you ready to win every argument? Or do you want to humiliate your partner by using your debating skills? If you think so too then maybe this book is not for you. Because persuasion doesn't mean putting down your opponents.
Persuasion means listening to the words of the person in front of you, communicating with them properly, and telling them about your belief in a good way. Think that whenever a person puts his opinion in front of you again and again, can you change his accordion in your decision?
The questions asked in the skill of persuasion are very important because the questions that are there completely shift the focus on the conversation partner and take them in the right direction. The same thing happened with the author. When the mother of author's friend asked him some good questions, the author decided that he would pursue a career in law. The author's mind was that he should work in some construction job.
But one day his friend's mother first asked him what he is going to do next? When he answered it, the second question came in front of him and then the third and then the fourth. By the end of the interview, the author had completely changed his mind and he decided to become a lawyer. His friend's mother did not do a single question that made the author feel that he was being persecuted, rather he did all the questions in such a way that the author felt that he himself was being pursued towards a decision.
First of all, one thing you all have to keep in mind is that if there are good questions then there are also stupid questions. Like once the author was fighting a robbery case. His client told the author that he had also seen a blue-colored bag with the thief. So the author asked the thief in the courtroom what was the color of the blue color bag you had. Everyone present in the court started laughing. Everyone knew this was a stupid question. Though asking stupid questions is better than claiming stupid kinds of things. For example, if someone asks you, which Indian player won the gold medal in the Olympics held in Tokyo in 2020? So in this condition, there is a knowledge gap somewhere in the person asking. And on the other hand, someone else said that you know this time Virat Kohli has won the gold medal in the Olympics. He has absolutely no idea of the knowledge gap that a person has in this situation. In such a situation, it is better to have a conversation in the first person.
Chapter 2:
Know your objective, your facts, and your jury.
If we talk about any court case, then there the lawyer has to fully convince his jury and the judge, and then the decision is in his favor. But it is not so in real life. It is not possible in real life that you can convert someone 100%. In topics like politics, family values, business strategy, each person has a different opinion and has different judgments. Real life persuasion means that you slowly take your partner as your belief. And to get there, you must know where you are going. And how to reach there? How did you take your partner there? Whenever you start an argument with someone, the first thing you should know is what you want to achieve from that argument. Because it is difficult to convince people 100% but it is possible to convert 50-60%. As soon as you come around 30%, your apprentice starts to understand what you are trying to explain to him and because of this some changes start happening in his belief.
And all this will be possible only when you have a clear knowledge of what you have to achieve. If you want to use questions, then try that they are based on facts. This means that you will have the evidence to support your argument. You can use the internet to gather more facts. Suppose you want someone to invest 10 lakh rupees in your business, then you will need more facts for this. Because the more investment you want, the more you have to convince your apprentice. How to present the argument depends on your jury.
Because in the courtroom you have to present in front of a jury made up of 10-12 people, the scene in the family is different. With the help of questions, you can find out what your jury believes in.
There are different types of questions for different situations. Once upon a time, the author got a chance to interview President Trump. The topic of the interview was Fairness in Politics. If the author wanted, he could have simply started the interview by giving his opinion, but he asked, "Why do people trust our justice system more than the political system?" And with this, he also started a discussion with the President as to why this is so. Although the author himself had a different opinion about this thing. But he had asked the right question at the right time.
Generally speaking, there are two broad categories of questions. The first is softball questions. These are very easy and the person in front is very easy to answer them. All these questions do not have any specific point. All types of questions do not help us to achieve something. With the help of all these questions, you can prove to your partner that you are interested in what they say. Like if two women are telling each other. If so, they can ask each other such questions that when did you clean the house last time? Was? This question will not prove anything but it will show that you are interested in talking.
If you start the conversation with simple and soft questions, then after a while you will have to shift to hard questions. Shifting to hard questions means either you want to prove your point or you want to contradict your opponent's point. And the question used in this situation is called the hardball question. Most of the questions are either hardball or softball but in the midst of all this, there is another category of questions. The questions in which why is used are the most different and can change the theme of the entire conversation.
Chapter 3:
To be Convincing, you have to be sincere.
If you want that you can convince people, then it is necessary that you should be sincere or you can show in front of people that you are sincere. However, sincerity cannot be presented in a fake way. But by using real emotion, you can get more likes from your audience. Doing a sincere show is not as easy as it seems.
We will give you some ideas with the help of which you can do this. The first thing is not to follow any person. Think for yourself that if a person was following you, then you would not feel good in facing him. That's why when you advise someone, then that person feels insecure in front of you. The second thing that kills sincerity is hypocrisy.
If you do not treat your appointment like you are, it may create an argument on the moral basis of the question you are asking. The third thing that kills sincerity is the lie, that is, they lie. There are many people who ignore Honest Mistake. But they are not able to forgive any person who lies to them and presents such facts in front of them which are miss leading. The most important thing is that if you want to win the trust of your audience, then it is necessary that you are passionate about your belief. Showing real emotion is very important because it makes your audience feel that you are really caring.
So try that whatever point you are going to present in front of the audience, present it with emotion. But how can you use this strategy in simple things like if you have to invite your kids to the dinner table on time, how will you use this emotional idea in such a situation.
For this it is important that you find something that your children are more passionate about. To invite your kids to the dinner table on time, you should not only show them that they are missing some good food but also make them realize that they are missing spending quality time with their family. This will also give an emotional touch to this thing.
You can destroy the credibility of any argument by questioning the facts, logic and character of the person in front.
Now we have learned how three things Insult, Hypocrisy, and Lies can kill sincerity. If you are not careful then these three things can easily destroy your argument. But if you know how to use your audience against credibility killers, then it can prove to be very profitable for you. Using credibility killers can help you impeach. Impeach means to create doubt on any person or something, that is, to create doubt. Impeachment in persuasion means to kill the credibility of an argument made by someone. There are three ways of this. Let us know about those methods in detail. The first thing to impeach someone's argument is that you prove the facts presented by that person wrong. Because if you prove the facts of the person in front of you, then it will be the argument week made by him. However, if your opponent's facts are correct, then you need to use another way of impeachment. Another way is to create doubts about the logic of your apprentice. Like if someone tells you that the best cricket team in the world at the moment is Australia because they have defeated the opposite team in their last five series. So you can create doubt on the logic of this argument by saying that Australia may have won their last five series but they cannot be called the best as they have not had matches with solid teams like England and India.
The third way of impeachment which is most effective and also the most difficult is to create doubts over a person's character. This means that you are proving the person in front of you or the audience completely wrong. Sometimes you can impeach a person by impeaching his favorite person. This strategy is called hitchhiking. For example, for India's defeat in the World Test Championship, instead of captain Virat Kohli, you can also target the Indian team coach Ravi Shastri on the argument made by Virat Kohli.
Chapter 4:
Learn how to measure, repeat, and repackage things to further hone your persuasion skills.
Once while playing golf, a friend of the author asked him, do you think America Worldwide is a more respected country than Barack Obama's time this time? Instead of answering this question, the author asked his friend what he meant by worldwide? And what are they trying to say by speaking Respected Country? His friends could not answer any of these questions.
Many times it happens that we use some such terms about which we ourselves are not even aware. So if your apprentice asks you something like this, then you can make the argument in your favor by asking him to define his terms. Try to present your question in a simple and precise manner in front of your attendant.
Use big words like everyone, never and always in opening questions. And then after preparing your question completely, keep repeating it. Repeating is important because the more we repeat something, the more important it becomes to our apprentice. For example, once there was a man in the court in front of the author who had killed his wife with a knife. The attempt of the author was to ask the same question to that person again and again.
So he started asking that when you stabbed your wife for the first time, what did she say after that? What did he say when he hit him for the second time after that? By the end of the court's presiding, everyone had heard this thing "when you stabbed your wife" so many times that everyone was convinced that that person was guilty. If ever you are not able to prove your opponent's argument wrong then try repackaging it. Means to prove any argument as foolish.
For example, if the batting of the Indian team fails, then the coach comes and tells the selection committee that the players did not have much experience, so if they fail, then any member of the selection committee can repackage the argument by saying whether it was our mistake that We have given these players a place in the team.
And when none of the methods work, then the last strategy is to use the Victim Card. Meaning that you present your apprentice in front of him as a victim. It will happen that the person in front will be engaged in giving an explanation and will defend himself and will be shifted from the main topic of the argument.
Chapter 5:
To master the art of persuasion, set the right expectations and keep yourself open.
As the District Attorney, the author hired Young Litigators. But before hiring, the author used to check the persuasion skills of all of them and told them that they have 5 minutes and you have to convince me to watch your favorite film. It sounds so easy to hear. But no one has been able to do this thing successfully.
However, later all those young people gradually got better in the skill of persuasion. We all have all those skills with the help of which we can tell our believer to be superior. And with time we can improve those skills even more. But there are some things that you will always have to remember. Persuasion does not mean winning.
Persuasion means to have successful communication. And for successful communication, you need to set the right expectations. Think yourself that how many times have you noticed that the point of view of a person changes after a single conversation? very less. So never have any bigger expectations than anyone. When you are persuading someone, do not try to convince the person in front of you. Rather guide them to give their own conclusion regarding your argument.
This is what persuasion means. You can take your audience in the right direction by using your questions well. But in the end, you have to let them decide for themselves what they think about the argument made by you. And always remember this thing that everyone has their own point of view of looking at everything. So try to satisfy everyone in a different way and in a different way.
The most important and final thing that you have to keep in mind is that do not ignore the new information you get while persuading any person. And if the other person wants, then you can allow yourself to be pursued. Because if you express to others that they are satisfied with the strong arguments you make, then you have to be too.
Overall, when you pursue someone, what is most important is what kind of questions you are asking. If you have the knowledge of what you are trying to achieve and you know the facts related to that thing, then you can win over people by using the right questions. With the help of questions, you can repeat your key point, point out the wrong things in your apprentice's argument and make people believe in your belief. What to do With the help of questions, you can easily present facts in front of anyone. According to the author, you should first put your best fact in front of the opponent in the question itself. After that use your third-best fact and lastly use your second-best fact.
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